I Worship You
September 8, 2020: the word worship took on a whole new meaning for me. I had a moment, standing in Overflow with a heavy heart singing “Way Maker,” where I asked myself ‘why am I worshipping today?’
A family member of mine passed away today due to complications of COVID. It’s a weird and somewhat dark feeling because we didn’t have a super close relationship on earth except for never failing to make me laugh every Christmas I got to see him, and COVID seemed like it deserved an eye roll… up until it affected my family. It makes you feel like your prayers just left your lips and evaporated into the air, and your soul aches.
So no, today God did not feel like a way maker, or a miracle worker, or a promise keeper, or a light in the darkness, but I couldn’t help but sing those words to him. It was like an outer body experience. Why was I worshipping God today when on the outside, He doesn’t seem like a loving God who is worthy of my praise. My flesh wanted to feel resentment, my flesh wanted to feel pain & betrayal. I tried to insist to myself that God wasn’t, in fact, good all the time… but I couldn’t. Because here’s the thing: He is. Even today, He’s still WORTHY. Because you know what? It’s who he is. Even though I didn’t feel like he was still worthy— my soul couldn’t deny it. Because it woven into me, it’s written on my skin, it’s in my blood, Jesus is who He says He is. I am so thankful tonight that my flesh doesn’t live up to the standard of God’s righteousness. I am so thankful that I’m not in control and that I don’t understand, but I’m even more thankful that I don’t HAVE to understand.
In that moment, I felt the Holy Spirit holding onto me, affirming me that the sadness I felt over COVID was valid, but also the overwhelming joy I felt just to be in God’s presence— that was valid, too. I felt surrounded, with peace that, for the first time in a long time, truly surpassed my understanding. And I felt held so tightly in the most perfect hug because I knew for a fact that the Lord was holding my family member like that too… probably even tighter. It’s so weird losing someone you weren’t even that close to on, yet still feeling all of the things, making it hard to express. Yet, I am unable to stop reveling in God’s goodness & being so in awe of the Lordship He has over His creation that we can’t have over ourselves. I pray I never stop worshipping even when it’s the last thing I want to do, and I pray that my family doesn’t either. I pray that they feel the same hug I’m feeling & that their souls can not deny His sovereignty and worthiness.
Through the tragedy, through the loss, through the storm, through the ache, through the hurt, I worship You. I worship You. You are EXACTLY who you say you are, even here.
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